Tuesday, February 7, 2012


In just a short time The Herbal Remedy Wife’s blog is an amazing success.  People are reading the blog in places like Kenya, Peru and Germany.  With this large amount of exposure, The Herbal Remedy Wife asked me if I felt uncomfortable knowing that people in Kenya were reading about my bowel movements?  Nope. Not one bit. 

With that said, let’s talk about my most recent cleanse.  If you recall, this is my second attempt at a detox cleanse.  I thought the first cleanse was pretty much a total failure and waste of time. I basically just drank tea, and apple juice with some mysterious green additive, and I didn’t notice a significant difference in my health. Undeterred, The Herbal Remedy Wife took it to the next level with what she called a “hard core cleanse.”

Every day during the "hard core cleanse" she would make me a green drink and then she’d give me four capsules to take.  I felt a bit like Barry Bonds going to the Balco Lab; I didn’t really know exactly what I was taking and I didn’t want to know.

It turns out that I was drinking husk, thistle and bark. Sounds like the name of a posh law firm, but whatever, it worked.  It totally cleaned me out. 

Do you want me to be more specific when I say the "hard core cleanse" cleaned me out?  Oh, I can get more specific. But I don’t know if you can handle it - this isn’t for the squeamish. If you are the kind of person who can’t stomach watching Tosh.O then you should avoid the paragraphs below that are highlighted in red font. Seriously, avert your eyes.

Before we get into the mucky stuff – hey, I said avert your eyes if you’re squeamish! This is your last warning.

The first thing I noticed with the “hard core cleanse” is that I had some major intestinal pain the first few days. It was like my intestines were aching. I was also very gassy. Very gassy!  I can’t stress enough how gassy I actually was. And if that wasn't enough, I was also very tired the first couple of days.

In addition to intestinal pain, uncontrollable flatulence and fatigue, there was a lot of bathroom action, sometimes as many as five trips a day – which is about four more than normal. There was also a very close call in a Crate and Barrel, when I almost lost it while standing next to a discounted pizza stone. Seriously, can you think of anything worse than defecating in your pants in a Crate and Barrel?

Okay, now here is where it gets really gnarly. The most significant thing to note from the "hard core cleanse" is this - something unusual came out of me.  It happened pretty early during the 10 days.  How can I describe it?  Well, it was like a long, leather, woven belt. It was nasty. And it had me seriously worried that there was something majorly abnormal with me if this thing had been living inside me all these years.  

I did some internet research and I found that other people who had undergone a cleanse achieved a similar result – i.e. the woven belt.  If you want to see what I’m talking about – just Google “detox cleanse images” and you’ll have plenty of photos to choose from. But don't do it - because they are nasty. 

Do you think you have a woven belt inside of you? Only one way to find out, I guess.

Lastly, an unexpected consequence of the cleanse was that it eliminated my jalapeno defense mechanisms. Normally, I can down habaneros, jalapenos, the hottest vindaloo, etc.  But man, something about this cleanse weakened my spice defense.  I had some peppers on a sandwich and they ignited the ring of fire, if you know what I’m talking about, like nothing I have ever experienced before.  So if you do this cleanse, be warned, stay away from the jalapenos.

Squeamish people, you can come back now.  Overall, I really liked "the harsh cleanse" because I thought it worked; I could feel and see the results.  At the end, I even think I lost a few pounds, which wasn't really the goal, but is still a nice extra benefit.  

So, if you're keeping score at home - this one goes to The Herbal Remedy Wife, and the Skeptical Husband gives Ivy Bridge's Colon Cleanse (whoever the hell she is) a thumbs up. 


  1. Omgsh! Laughed so hard I had tears in my eyes and nearly peed my pants!

  2. What's the Green Drink from the hardcore cleanse?

  3. Look for the full recipe in my post from January 27, 2012. It's the chlorophyll that makes it green.