Sunday, June 10, 2012


I got 99 problems but pepperoni ain't one.  Seriously, it's hard being a vegan, but it's got nothing to do with red meat.  It's cheese baby, cheese. And it's not because I crave cheese; it's because the world is covered in cheese.

In the past two weeks The Herbal Remedy Wife has forced me to go to two really good Mexican restaurants, where I couldn't eat anything. That is just cruel and unusual punishment, because there's nada for a vegan at Casa Del Cheese.

There is a website called Vegan Eating Out, which is dedicated to informing vegans about what options they have at various chain restaurants in the United States.  You just type in the name of the place and website tells you all the things you can eat, which usually isn't very much. And herein lies the big problem with being a vegan: you've got no social life because you can't go out to eat anywhere! You've got to stay in your house like a hermit and eat tofu and tempeh.

Even if you are a recluse and never leave your house being vegan is still hard, because you have to stay on your toes.  I accidentally cheated on my diet when I ate some Italian Sausage-less sausage. I thought it was safe, but only after I had a couple of links did I take a hard look at the ingredients and discovered that it contained egg white powder. It's vegetarian, but it's not vegan. Can you believe it - foiled by egg white powder! I immediately called the vegan police and reported the crime.  You know, the vegan police.  The people who refuse to sit on a leather couch, and junk like that.

And if all that wasn't bad enough - here is the big kicker.  Last week a hard-core vegan tried to convince me that Guinness, the beer I love, isn't vegan. Whatcha you talkin bout Willis? Beer is barley and hops and stuff.  There's no meat in Guinness!!! But he told me they use isinglass in Guinness, so it's not vegan.  Isinglass?  What the hell is isinglass? Well, I Googled it, and it's the bladder of a fish and it's used - no joke - in the production of some types of beer to remove yeast. If Guinness isn't vegan... well baby, that's a deal breaker!

I've got one more week to go in this 21-day challenge and my refrigerator is stuffed with vegan options, like a frozen Tofurkey Pepperoni Pizza. It's got meatless pepperoni and non-dairy imitation cheese.  Now, that sounds yummy!  But seven days from now I'm having a Guinness and goat cheese party.

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